Oh and pomegranates, what a load of hassle they are. I once watched me mam — 60 — Los Angeles eating one with a needle, one seed at a time, while watching Dallas. She only got through half of it. They did the butterfly stroke, which I think is daft. Suzanne was enjoying watching the other blokes too much, so I said it was time to go.
So I said I wanted to go back and stare at the model of a woman with four tits and see how she liked it. We went to the beach and it was just as bad there. It was full of body-builders who were greased up to the eyeballs. We drove to San Francisco along Highway 1, a famous road that goes up the coast.
We stopped off at a place called Carmel. I went on the small beach. They had squirrels running about. It annoys me a bit how people like squirrels but not rats. If you give them an acorn, they now turn their nose up at it. Every type of creature is changing its diet.
I think — 62 — Los Angeles sat navs have taken the fun out of travelling. Suzanne had booked a basement flat in San Francisco. It was basic and smelt a bit musty but was OK. The owner lived upstairs with her year-old son, who was a bit odd. He stood outside in the garden looking at us through the window all the time.
This was quite a good thing in a way, cos he made us want to get out of the flat, which meant we saw a lot of stuff while we were in San Francisco. We did a trip round Alcatraz Island, which used to be a prison. They give you a little iPod-type thing with headphones to listen to as you walk. There were interesting stories told by past inmates and facts about how people had tried to escape. San Francisco is good. The only sad bit is that it seems to have a lot of homeless people who are legless.
Not with all those hilly streets about. One night we were in the flat watching telly, trying to ignore Brian looking through the window, when we saw our street on the news — one of the legless homeless had been shot by a policeman. The copper was saying how he thought the homeless fella had a shotgun.
Turned out it was just a false leg. We decided to stay in that night and have a pizza. The driver was a bit annoying. He kept cracking jokes that you could tell he does with every bus-load of people. He was very pale with ginger hair, and he must have been quite proud of being ginger cos he also had a big ginger moustache. In England people seem to get quite a bit — 64 — Los Angeles of stick for being ginger. Even ginger cats look fed up and are normally fatter than other cats, probably because they turn to food for comfort.
Suzanne and Sarah remembered the programme. I remember thinking how much he sounded like Shaggy out of Scooby Doo. He then pointed out where the gay area was. At least he was enjoying it. I liked me time in LA and San Francisco. Tenerife T he first time I realised Suzanne liked to be treated like a proper lady was when we moved in together. It turned out that you had to buy the mattress separately, which is stupid. Me dad dropped off the mattress and I made the bed. In the end I had to buy a brand new mattress.
It took two days for the smell of diesel to shift. Every time I was sat on the hotel loo, I would hear someone outside waiting for me to finish. It was pointless taking in a newspaper cos I never felt I had time for a proper read. Maybe I should have picked somewhere better for our third anniversary together. We had a balcony that overlooked another hotel. I sat there many a day listening to the young girls next door shouting to the lads in the hotel across the way.
I started going bald when I was about I think it was caused by once having to work a hour shift at a place where I used to pack cassettes. It was my job to shrink-wrap them in cling film. I had to shrink-wrap 10, copies so they could go out to the shops as soon as possible, and that meant working through the day and night.
A couple of days later, I noticed a bit of baldness on me head. The barber had to pause every time a train passed to avoid taking your eye out with the scissors. His busiest time was the last week of the summer holidays, when all the kids got their hair cut before going back to school.
It would take ages to get a haircut cos they were forever trying to flog you knocked-off gear. Vol 2. Even though I was quite young when me hair started falling out, I never thought of getting a wig.
Have different colours and that. Anyway, Ronny the organ player definitely had a wig. He also had a pale, gaunt face and a white suit that was too big for him. He played his organ non-stop from about until 11 p. When he finished the song the woman wanted to sing another, but he was having none of it.
He got up and went to the bar. She looked well put out. Whenever you left the hotel you got hassled by people flogging stuff like packs of perfume and handbags that were replicas of expensive makes.
Fellas would give you scratchcards and tell you to scratch off the silver bits straightaway in case you won something. Come with me to the office and pick up your prize. You must have had a tough paperround then! We heard the voices of the girls from the room next door. Two of the lads from the hotel across the road were with them. They were queuing up to go on this ride where you get locked into a round metal frame and then fired about feet into the air.
We watched that for a bit and then went back to the hotel. I went into the toilet that was unlocked. There were five women inside and a young lad asleep on the bath mat. I said I wanted to use the toilet.
They never do it if there are people about. Dogs yes, cats no. When we had kittens at home, if I ever went to watch one of them use the litter tray they would always turn their back to me.
I kept trying to work out what each song was from the first few notes, like they used to do on Name that Tune with Lionel Blair. I was happy — 83 — Happyslapped by a jellyfish doing that when we were disturbed by a loud banging at the door.
I thought it was the girls from next door messing about, so we ignored it and carried on with the business. Stood there were three firemen. One of them told me to get out NOW cos there was a fire. Suzanne heard what was said and was up and dressed in seconds. It was chaos outside. Some people were crying, some were shouting. Everybody was outside. This would have been the best time in the whole holiday for me to use the toilet.
It turned out to be a fire in a wheelie bin that had set light to the door of one of the lower rooms. Going on all them rides is only going make them feel worse. I was happier going into school that day, as hardly anybody else was knocking about. There was normally a placement teacher who looked after a few of us, and they would let us just sit and draw. The next day, all the kids who went to Alton Towers would have to write about it, which meant I had another day of drawing.
He was a right knobhead. Your work was never good enough for him. In the end he sacked me for whizzing through a big puddle out the back in a Cordon Bleu shopping trolley. He found out cos the trolley got caught in the blocked grid in the middle of the puddle.
Me mate passed me two long ice pops that I used to stab at the grid to try and unblock it, but then Paul came out to sign for a delivery of Pot Noodles and saw me. He sacked me on the spot. I hated me time there. Anyway, Florida. I only went on two.
Everyone was smiling and waving at me. I think they all thought I was a bit mental. No one was really interested in this ride. It was just me and three old women who were like the Golden Girls.
They were going on about the size of a massive eggplant that we passed. I think there is too much stuff in the world, and proof of this is when things share the same name. An eggplant has no link to the egg we eat. I was on this raft looking at an eggplant with three old women who were panicking cos they were all trying to get a picture of themselves with it before the raft moved on to the big marrow.
Everything is massive in Orlando. The problem is though, cos everything is so big, nothing looks — 87 — Happyslapped by a jellyfish big, if you get me. We were staying in a motel while we were in Florida. We were waiting for the bus to pick us up when the sky went from being blue and clear to black. The park seemed to empty pretty quick, so there was just me, Suzanne and her brother left standing in the middle of this big car park.
And then the lightning started. The only place we could shelter was at a picnic table that had a metal roof on it. I sat there with my mouth shut.
After a 30 minute wait, the bus turned up. Suzanne told the driver where we wanted to go and paid, while me and her brother went and found some seats.
The driver took us right up to our motel entrance, which was nice of him as the bus stop was quite a walk from the motel. All the other people on the bus were bickering cos it had gone off its route, but I just thought he would be doing the same for most of his passengers with the weather being so bad. And we still had three days in New York to come.
We were sat there counting up our change to see if we had enough for a takeaway pizza when there was a weather alert on the telly saying how there are bad storms over Florida with a chance of tornadoes.
We were looking in the motel draws to see if there was some kind of leaflet telling us what to do if a twister is in the area when the motel was hit by lightning. There was — 89 — Happyslapped by a jellyfish a big crack and then an alarm went off.
Alarms stress me out. If I had an accident and was in the back of an ambulance whilst I was all wired up to oxygen and stuff, the noise of the siren would stress me out and make me feel worse.
It must be the same for doctors when they do operations. I discussed this with me mates once, about how as long as the noise is recognised as a warning sound, it could be anything. It could be the sound of a chicken or a duck.
Me mates said it was a stupid idea and that the sound of a loud chicken would be worse. It had details of what to do during a tornado, lightning storm and earthquake. It was the same rules for all three. It said we should stay indoors, and if a twister got close, we should get in the bath and place the mattress on top. I started to laugh cos this is how I deal with fear.
We stayed in watching the telly for updates on the tornado situation, but after about two hours the rain calmed down and the lightning stopped. We decided to go out for food and celebrate the fact that we were still alive. We ended up in a steakhouse. It was like the Aberdeen Angus Steakhouses we have in London. We paid the bill and left a small tip cos we were now really short on cash.
As we were leaving through the front door the waiter shouted at us. The other thing I find odd is how airlines seem to take on pilots on the sound of their voice and not their flying skills.
He was friendly in that New York kind of way, where being friendly is just acknowledging that you are there. Massive eggplants in Florida, now big apples. He seemed eager to get us out of there. A traffic warden was putting a ticket on his big old car. He went mad. The weather was roasting and his car had no air con. The traffic was hardly moving.
I thought he meant a better tourist route so we could see some of the sights. I was wrong, — 94 — New York he meant a short cut. We passed gangs stood on street corners, prostitutes, drag queens and homeless people. It was just as busy and noisy in the hotel reception as it was at the airport. They say New York is the city that never sleeps. After a load of faffing about we were shown our room, which was basic but clean.
We decided to go for a wander. At that time we were living on the tenth floor of a tower block in Salford. There was always trouble round there. I once nipped down the road to the Happy Shopper supermarket and the flat above was on fire, with flames gushing — 95 — Happyslapped by a jellyfish out of the smashed windows. People were still going in and out of the shop, so I popped in to get some milk. They released the handbrake and started pushing it down — 96 — New York the road. I called the police, reported it, and then went to bed, cos I was working nights at the time and wanted to get a few hours kip before I had to go.
I was just nodding off when the phone went. I said how I was tired and needed to get some sleep before I went to work, and hung up. They called back and said they were sending a helicopter over and wanted me to point to where the lads had headed. I pointed them off to the roundabout, went back inside, and took the phone off the hook. Anyway, we had a wander about New York without spending any money — for three whole days.
We went into museums and looked at Chinese, African and Indian art that I had no interest in, but at least it was free. If there was just a few old pots — 97 — Happyslapped by a jellyfish on show it would feel more special, but they had rows and rows of old pots, plates and jugs. They must have discovered an old Chinese version of Ikea buried somewhere. We saw the Statue of Liberty from a distance, which I convinced myself was the best way to see it.
We walked round Central Park and saw a bit of the zoo that you can see without paying. I do that at London Zoo. No wonder King Kong climbed up the side of it. February 9th Got up at 5 a. Got on the Heathrow Express. The presenter was somewhere where they have an annual event which involves having oranges chucked at — 99 — Happyslapped by a jellyfish your head. Met me mam and dad at airport.
We went for a walk down the beach and saw a blind man. He was wearing dark glasses. We got back and put the telly on.
It only picked up Spanish programmes, so we just played cards. February 10th Got up and had breakfast. We had Spanish sausages and egg.
The sausages were nice. Me dad said they were only 60p for a pick of The news was on the telly but it was in Spanish. The Chinese eat some weird stuff. The Chinese waste nothing.
They are so different to us, even down to the way they print their books, which they do back to front. We went to a place me dad found that does coffee for 70 cents. None of us had coffee though. Went to a supermarket to get some more cheap sausages.
Me mam saw a birdcage in a pet shop that she wanted. We went back home and had a brew and played scrabble. The biggest word I got was equips.
Suzanne put the word — — Happyslapped by a jellyfish equip down but I put the S on the end. Went for a drink in an English pub. We got back home and me mam annoyed me dad cos she was still going on about the cage she wanted to buy for her parrot.
Me dad said the parrot could be dead by the time they get home. February 11th Went for a walk round a harbour. There were some massive fish in big groups. Me mam fed them some bread. He found out because she started chucking them a bit of one of the chocolate biscuits that were also for us. They ate the chocolate biscuit, which was weird. I think this is more proof that animals are changing their eating habits. When I was at work last year, having a roast dinner on the roof, a wasp came and nicked a bit of chicken off me plate and flew off with it.
Wasps should not be eating roast chicken. February 12th Going home today. Me mam showed me something in one — — Malaga of her ghost magazines that she brought with her. It was a yellow star that you had to rub and make a wish.
Me mam said she rubbed it before we arrived and wished for good weather for us and it had worked. There was also a column about a woman who speaks to the dead. Val had dark curly hair and a nice smile. Me mam said it might have been Val who used to live on our estate. Me dad took us to the airport. It started to rain. They are staying for one more week.
Got on the plane and was sat next to a pilot who lived in Malaga and was heading to London to fly a plane to Boston. He said no and then said he was going to the toilet. I never saw him again. They seem to do the best food.
I was quite happy with that choice but it just meant there was never any pasta. Me Auntie Nora is the same. She says it would mess up her schedule. It looks like too much messing about. I was out once and saw someone order one and it came with a special tool to get into it.
We went to a hotel in Sorrento and it was nice enough. The food was nice, but it does annoy me how there are so many different types of pasta.
The hotel was in good condition and was clean enough. The only problem was that the place was full of old people. But it was the other way round — they were getting up at all hours. I swear that one morning the people in the next room got up for breakfast when it was still dark.
This meant the other guests were out early and we could never get a chair by the pool, so we always ended up having to sit in the garden bit where all the wasps knocked about. You should have seen them jump in their chairs as the balls cracked as I broke. We went to Pompeii on a coach trip. It was amazing. There was old stuff lying about everywhere a bit like round the pool back at the hotel.
There were even little rooms where prostitutes used to have it away with the fellas on these concrete beds, and the walls had all rude drawings on them which were quite well done.
Normally old drawings only ever feature a yak being chased by a fella with a spear, so it was good to see an old doodle of a pair of tits and bloke with his nob out for a change.
The tour guide told us about the volcano. Our hotel was across the way from it, so for the rest of the week I kept a close eye on it. It reminded me of when I was younger and used to live across from a chemical plant. There was a flame that was always burning, 24 hours a day. Me brother told me that if the flame ever went out, the world would end. I used to sit at me window on windy nights being worried.
The woman had loads of big brown moles on her back, which must have been caused by not putting on enough lotion. The fella was rubbing his hand in them all — it looked like he was swimming in Coco Pops. We decided to have another day out. The coach was meant to pick us up at 8 a. Saying that, we were still the last ones up in the hotel. The coach was late. We always have this. The tour guide was being picked up at our hotel as well, and while we waited she talked to us about the volcano.
They talk about that volcano in Sorrento like we talk about the weather in this country. It turned up 45 minutes late. It took ages to get to Rome but it was worth it. The more cracks in a building, the — — Happyslapped by a jellyfish more the tourists love it. The only annoying thing about Rome was the amount of people hanging about dressed up as Romans and emperors. I saw a couple of them poking passers-by with their spears.
Some of them were doing that thing where they stand really still and pretend to be a statue. It was really busy when we were there cos the Pope was out on his balcony. But because of where I grew up, I like Coronation Street instead. I say the old one but the new one is also old.
When we got to the hotel in Rome I thought it was some sort of special hotel for fitness freaks cos the bathroom was full of bars hanging from the ceiling and walls. Turns out it was a room for the elderly or disabled.
I think the people live longer there. It might be because they are surrounded by really old stuff that never changes, so they are not reminded that they are getting old. Just a theory. March 12th Got up early to take Suzanne to the Cotswolds for her birthday. It was freezing. The weather said there was a chance of snow. We picked up the car from the hire place and set off. When we went back in, the room was ready. It was nice but quite old looking. It had flower patterns everywhere.
There were coat hangers in the wardrobe with sponge on them to protect your clothes. I think this is an unnecessary invention. It was a pair of slippers with lights on the front. We booked a table for a Sunday roast and went to see if there was anything other than the car park to walk round. It was nice but there was a loud family of about 13 people sat behind us.
One of the family asked for sorbet for a starter. He was only about He thought he was it. I ate the free biscuits and slept for two hours. We went down to the bar around She was shouting to her husband saying how her strawberries were awful.
Her husband agreed. We looked at the events board on the way to our room to see if there was anything worth doing before we leave tomorrow.
Went back to the room and watched Planet Earth. They filmed a panda for four weeks and all it did was sit in its hole. It did nowt. It would be like having a Ford Sloth. No one would buy it. We got up and rushed down for breakfast cos they stopped serving it at I had poached egg and toast. It was a bit warmer today so we drove into the next village and had a walk round.
We did the usual sort of thing. There — — Happyslapped by a jellyfish was one there from We drove to the next village. It only had a post office. It also had 3 ducks. We found a pub that was open so we went in there and had some dinner. It was a really old pub that had the original floor in it. Some tourists were taking a picture of it. It took three hours to drive back to London.
People say they go to the country to see the wildlife. On the way back I saw three hedgehogs, a fox and a rabbit. All dead on the road. I also saw a dead badger.
Always dead. Suzanne never said but I think she enjoyed her birthday night away. July 11th Suzanne has been working away for a few weeks, so she booked us a week in Weymouth. We got up early and had an argument.
I caused it. We left early cos there is a gay parade on in London today. He was rushing down Wardour Street on a bike whilst wearing high heels and a miniskirt. He looked gormless all glammed up while wearing a cycling helmet. I bought some underpants in Richmond. I normally wait till someone buys me some for a present for Christmas or my birthday.
We got to the place we were staying at by 4 p. The room was basic but OK. I ate the free biscuits and then we had a quick walk down the beach. There were loads of kids on it looking for fossils.
Apparently a lot of dinosaurs died round here. There were signs on the beach asking people not to take the pebbles as some of them are between 60 and million years old. Pebbles all look the same age to me. We had our tea in the restaurant downstairs. We thought the food and service were gonna be bad cos the fella on the next table seemed to be sighing all the time.
Turned out he had a breathing problem. The food was good. July 12th Slept well but was woken by people upstairs cos the floor was squeaky. When we went downstairs to get breakfast the — — Weymouth people from upstairs were on their way out. They were proper walkers. They had maps round their necks on string and had waterproof clothes on. We had breakfast and then drove to another beach. We paddled in the sea. There was a big fish that had been washed up. It was dead.
We went to another beach where there was a big rock with a hole in it. Loads of people were standing in the hole having their picture taken. There were signs on the rock asking people not to climb on it as it could cave in.
There was a gift shop selling postcards and little ornaments of the rock with a hole in. Loads of people were buying them. She ended up counting all of her ornaments in the lounge and morning room.
She said there was We went from there to a lighthouse that the kids car- — — Happyslapped by a jellyfish toon Portland Bill is supposed to be based on. I bought a chunky KitKat and headed back. No wonder the tourist industry in this country is on its arse.
July 13th Was woken by the radio alarm clock at It shocked me. It was the buzzer on it that went off. I had palpitations for about 20 minutes.
We went down for breakfast. There was an old couple who were sat at a table with what looked like four of their grand kids. The gran was doing all the organising and ordering of the food, but the grandad just sat there looking fed up.
I think he was deaf. He just sat there looking at the brown sauce bottle. None of them were involving him. It was a cloudy day so I said we should go to Monkey World. There was also too many old people in mobility vehicles. There was one woman who must have been about who was being pushed around by her daughter, who looked about She would have been just as happy left in the car park.
We went and sat by the sea and ate some chips. There was a tarot card reader in a tent on the beach. There were loads of good write-ups stuck on a board outside the tent, with stories about lottery winners who got their numbers from the woman in the tent and people with illnesses that she cured. I was close to giving it ago when I noticed she was sat outside having her lunch. She was eating a hot dog. It ruined the whole mysticalness.
I try and avoid it all. I liked our break in Weymouth. All it takes is for a ship to go past and cause a wave and it would have wiped out our room. First of all I just went in up to me knees and got out, then I went in up to me waist and got out, and then I finally — — Happyslapped by a jellyfish went in and had a swim.
I got out after 20 minutes feeling refreshed and sat in the sun. Ten minutes later I was hot again and said to Suzanne that I was gonna go back in. She stayed on her lounger. Here I was going back in the sea for the second time in an hour, after about 20 years of not going in it at all.
It was like the top of me foot had been slashed by broken glass. I turned round and ran out of the sea and went back to Suzanne. My feet are normally a size My left foot still was, but my right foot was now a size It had ballooned and had red streaks all over the top of it. It came from nowhere. I should never have gone in.
Like I said, too much weird dangerous stuff. Suzanne said it might have been a jellyfish and told me I should get some ice. We watched a couple tie the knot around the pool area. There was supposed to be a gay wedding on the day we were going home. A fella I was sat next to on the beach — a printer from Milton Keynes — thought this was outrageous. He asked me what I thought and I said whose surname do they keep? The jellyfish that stung me was probably just trying to give me a high five.
I ended up — — Happyslapped by a jellyfish getting two fruit punches and taking the ice out of them. I wrapped it in a towel and held it on me foot. I saw the doctor two hours later. He used a cotton wool ball to wipe me foot with alcohol and told me not to wear socks for 24 hours. We did a couple of trips while we were there. We did a tour of the island by car. In one of the places we stopped at, the guide pointed out a cashew tree and told us not to eat the nuts hanging from it as they are poisonous when untreated.
She just told me not to eat anything off a tree. The tour included a BBQ on a small private beach that we could only get to by kayak. The kayaks had two seats on them. The guide suggested that the women should sit at the back and do the steering while the blokes sat in the middle and did the rowing.
The guide said there was nothing dangerous in the water but someone noticed hundreds of jellyfish. I was a bit worried cos there must be one clever one among them who knows they can sting. I picked one up with my oar. It looked really odd and ill cos of the muddy waters they live in.
Their morale must be pretty low, looking the way they do. The only people behind us were the big German woman and her husband. She weighed her kayak down at the back, which meant her fella was struggling to row.
They lost balance and tipped over into the muddy waters. She really struggled to get back on. Her face went red and she was having problems breathing as she cocked her leg up, giving us a view of thick mud spilling from her bikini round her arse. Twenty minutes later we were there. We were all knackered. Instead of talking about the lovely beach and views, everyone was talking tactics on how to kayak back. I say everyone, but the German woman was out in the sea — — Happyslapped by a jellyfish scooping mud out of her arse with one hand while eating a chicken leg with the other.
How none of them died I do not know. When I used to live in Docklands in London I once had to move from my flat to another one just down the road. The day I moved turned out to be the day of the London Marathon. There I was walking down Westferry Road with a lamp in one hand and a magazine rack in the other, and all the spectators thought I was doing some sort of novelty fun run and were clapping.
It made me feel quite good, but not good enough to want to train 15 hours a day. I watched some event on the telly where the people in- — — Caribbean volved had to run a couple of miles, jump into a river and swim for about 5 minutes, jump on a bike and pedal up a hill, and then run for another five minutes to the finish line.
The winner got a gold medal — the same prize that the winner of the metres got. So why not just do that? We ate the chicken and then I sat on the beach while Suzanne did a bit of snorkelling.
I sat and listened to an annoying loud woman who was telling another couple where they should visit and where they should eat on the island. She kept bossing her husband around — she had him up and down getting chicken for the couple she was talking to, then she had him rubbing suntan lotion on her back, and then he had to shift the plates of chicken bones cos they were attracting wasps. She was a right pain in the arse.
We got back on the kayak. Me and Suzanne did OK going back. We came second to the tour guide and the fella whose wife had died the day before. I think we would have let him win anyway. They float about blind, stinging people in the seas, And no one eats jellyfish with chips and mushy peas. The first time I experienced this was when my Auntie Nora gave me a T-shirt for my eighth birthday with a black-and-white image of her face on the front of it.
Twenty minutes into the flight there was a call asking if there was a doctor on board. As always, there was. The flight went back to Stansted and the ill passenger got off. She was an old woman who was having dizzy spells. Four hours later we were on a coach on the way to our hotel in the pouring rain.
The rep, a chubby girl with curly hair from Yorkshire, was stood at the front with a microphone giving us a load of information. All I remember her saying was that it had been the wettest December in years and that the movie Planet of the Apes was filmed on the island.
They were dropped off first. The place looked pretty — — Lanzarote grim. As they got off I had a look of them. The woman looked like Gordon Ramsay with tattoos. She has a lot saving to do. We were at our hotel 30 minutes later. It looked clean enough though, mainly due to the rain that was seeping down the walls and under the doors.
One of the staff was called away from making a dam with towels to carry our cases to our room. They were right, we would never have found it. We had to go through six doors, up four floors in a lift, past two pools, and then up a few more stairs to our room. Room number There were crowbar marks around the — — Happyslapped by a jellyfish door lock, which I thought would be a nice reminder if we forgot the room number. We sat on the bed and looked at the map of the hotel.
It was huge. They should have given us a compass when we signed in. The eating area was down in the basement. It was a big L-shaped room with lime-green walls lit by about 30 fluorescent tube lights that flickered.
Probably due to the rain that had seeped through onto the electrics. It was selfservice and seated about people. There was only one toaster. People were having their picture taken next to a big mound of something that we thought was butter that had been made to look like a volcano. Lanzarote is a volcanic island, so everywhere is pretty grey and dusty.
We tried to go on as many trips as we could just to get us out of the hotel, and all of them involved something to do with volcanoes. He built his house under the hardened lava from the vol- — — Lanzarote canoes. Saying that, it still had more natural light than the canteen back at the hotel. The tour guide said she would allow us an hour to have a walk round the house.
We were done after about 25 minutes. Here we were in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by old lava and with another 40 minutes to kill. There was just one change — a tuck shop that sold overpriced food and drink and bits of lava. So this is why we were given an hour, the tour guide must have been getting a backhander from the person who ran the place. Captive audience. She then gave us a few minutes to get off and take photos of where he was hit.
She turned off her mic and the driver turned on the tape deck — it was the theme from A Space Odyssey. But due to the amount — — Happyslapped by a jellyfish of other coaches going up the hill, plus the tight corners, he had to pause the theme tune.
The coach was screeching round the edge of the cliff and everyone was looking a bit worried. The driver looked well fed up. The difference with this one was that there was an expert chucking water down it.
Four seconds later a jet of steam would come shooting out. We were given 45 minutes to take photos. Christmas Day was a bit depressing.
Most people had gone back home on Christmas Eve. We started the day by going for breakfast, avoiding big piles of shit on the way. It turned out to be camel shit. There were five of them in the hotel grounds with fellas dressed as Father Christmas on the back of them. A lot of people had it done just cos it was free. Everything was going well until we stopped looking out to the sea and started to look at the people around us.
They were all stark bollock naked. It was a nudist beach. An old fella who looked about 79 walked past us. He wore a hat and glasses and flip-flops, he had a big rucksack on his back, and he was smoking a pipe.
He gave me a nod as he passed. We passed more nude people. There was a woman who came walking out of the sea with a mental amount of pubic hair.
It looked like she was smuggling seaweed out of the sea. DMCA and Copyright : The book is not hosted on our servers, to remove the file please contact the source url. If you see a Google Drive link instead of source url, means that the file witch you will get after approval is just a summary of original book or the file has been already removed.
Loved each and every part of this book. I will definitely recommend this book to non fiction, humor lovers. Your Rating:. Your Comment:. Read Online Download. Add a review Your Rating: Your Comment:. Karlology by Karl Pilkington.
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